1. Whiten your teeth and you'll have more friends. People like other people with whiter teeth.
2. Try loving yourself more than anyone else on the planet. One day, with any luck, you won't need another's company.
3. Every morning right after you brush your white teeth, kiss your own lips in the mirror and say: "I love you, Ken." (Insert your own name) Don't forget to wipe that spit now dripping down the glass.
4. Help a neighbor with a chore-- she'll love you for it. Just make sure it doesn't take up too much of your precious free time!
5. Once your teeth are whiter, practice smiling while on the toilet. Smiling is a good habit to cultivate during all your precious free time.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Five Tips for Being a Better Husband
1. Look better. Women like men who are attractive, my friend. If you're not attractive, try one of those hair transplants, or maybe that operation where they wire your jaw.
2. Improve your vocabulary. Women like men who seem intelligent in public. It's time to use your toilet time more effectively. So put down the sports pages and pick up the dictionary!
3. Listen to your wife. As hard as it is, it'll bring you a happier home, and maybe more sex. Possibly.
4. Become more successful. Women like successful men. If you're a failure, you should probably sign up for my Be Successful, Seven Openings course. Otherwise, she's gonna leave you. She's gonna leave you. I know it!
5. Be the man she really wants you to be, even though you know you don't have it in you!
2. Improve your vocabulary. Women like men who seem intelligent in public. It's time to use your toilet time more effectively. So put down the sports pages and pick up the dictionary!
3. Listen to your wife. As hard as it is, it'll bring you a happier home, and maybe more sex. Possibly.
4. Become more successful. Women like successful men. If you're a failure, you should probably sign up for my Be Successful, Seven Openings course. Otherwise, she's gonna leave you. She's gonna leave you. I know it!
5. Be the man she really wants you to be, even though you know you don't have it in you!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Five Tips for Resolving Conflicts at Work
1. Be a shameless brown noser. Lots of people will hate you, sure, but the people who count will love you!
2. Offer some vending machine candy to your nemesis. For her, it'll be a peace offering. For you, it'll be a discrete way to poison her body, M&M by M&M!
3. Invite the whole office out for drinks, then apologize while you're wasted. This might be the only time you will ever feel compassion for these jerks!
4. While in the bar, make up a little ditty about your nemesis. Then, sing it loudly in her ear. This horrible woman will avoid you thereafter, fearing hearing loss.
5. Write nasty emails about this horrible woman, reciting every word out loud. Everyone, including this horrible woman, will think you're crazy. Maybe they won't mess with you next time!
2. Offer some vending machine candy to your nemesis. For her, it'll be a peace offering. For you, it'll be a discrete way to poison her body, M&M by M&M!
3. Invite the whole office out for drinks, then apologize while you're wasted. This might be the only time you will ever feel compassion for these jerks!
4. While in the bar, make up a little ditty about your nemesis. Then, sing it loudly in her ear. This horrible woman will avoid you thereafter, fearing hearing loss.
5. Write nasty emails about this horrible woman, reciting every word out loud. Everyone, including this horrible woman, will think you're crazy. Maybe they won't mess with you next time!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Enjoy Great Health!
I hope you've all enjoyed my posts on healthy living. I'm confident that you are all healthier because of reading my blog. If you're not, there's nothing more I can do for you. You might even be a lost cause.
Next week, we'll be starting a great discussion about relationships -- in the office, in the home, and even inside your own soft skin.
So have a great, healthy weekend and see you on Monday!!
Ken
Next week, we'll be starting a great discussion about relationships -- in the office, in the home, and even inside your own soft skin.
So have a great, healthy weekend and see you on Monday!!
Ken
Monday, April 4, 2011
Are Allergies Getting to You?
PROBLEM:
It's spring, my friends. This means you have birds and the bees...going at it. It also means, my nose is stuffed. Now, if you're like me, the beautiful flowers of the springtime bring with them some ugly, ugly mucous. To solve this problem, we have Claritin. But is there also a spiritual solution to this mucus?
SOLUTION:
Now, if you listen to other spiritual or motivational teachers, they're gonna tell you to "smell the roses." DON'T DO IT! You don't have listen to your motivational teacher, your guru, your clergy person, or even that psychiatrist giving you all of those drugs! Find your own answers, my friend! If they're nowhere to be found, just listen to your allergy-ridden body. It doesn't want anything to do with the roses.
TECHNIQUE:
In my System, THE SEVEN OPENINGS, Opening Number 4 says: "Open a Window, It's Stuffy in Here." What this means is: Don't take the teachings so seriously. In fact, try doing the exact opposite of what the teacher says. In this case, stay away flowers, keep the window closed-- and crank up the AC. That's right. Defy all teacher wisdom. Trust me: you'll breathe a whole lot easier.
It's spring, my friends. This means you have birds and the bees...going at it. It also means, my nose is stuffed. Now, if you're like me, the beautiful flowers of the springtime bring with them some ugly, ugly mucous. To solve this problem, we have Claritin. But is there also a spiritual solution to this mucus?
SOLUTION:
Now, if you listen to other spiritual or motivational teachers, they're gonna tell you to "smell the roses." DON'T DO IT! You don't have listen to your motivational teacher, your guru, your clergy person, or even that psychiatrist giving you all of those drugs! Find your own answers, my friend! If they're nowhere to be found, just listen to your allergy-ridden body. It doesn't want anything to do with the roses.
TECHNIQUE:
In my System, THE SEVEN OPENINGS, Opening Number 4 says: "Open a Window, It's Stuffy in Here." What this means is: Don't take the teachings so seriously. In fact, try doing the exact opposite of what the teacher says. In this case, stay away flowers, keep the window closed-- and crank up the AC. That's right. Defy all teacher wisdom. Trust me: you'll breathe a whole lot easier.
Friday, April 1, 2011
(Another) Top Five Health Tips
1. Eat more wheat germ -- the healthiest germ around!
2. If Bryer's chocolate ice cream makes you fat but you're passionate about it, keep eating: passion is healthier than skinny!
3. The future of the planet depends on the food choices you make; think of someone other than yourself for a change!
4. My daddy used to lock me in a closet and now I have asthma. Find out why your own life is a mess!
5. Use hand sanitzer to get rid of all germs that aren't wheat germs!
2. If Bryer's chocolate ice cream makes you fat but you're passionate about it, keep eating: passion is healthier than skinny!
3. The future of the planet depends on the food choices you make; think of someone other than yourself for a change!
4. My daddy used to lock me in a closet and now I have asthma. Find out why your own life is a mess!
5. Use hand sanitzer to get rid of all germs that aren't wheat germs!
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