1. Whiten your teeth and you'll have more friends. People like other people with whiter teeth.
2. Try loving yourself more than anyone else on the planet. One day, with any luck, you won't need another's company.
3. Every morning right after you brush your white teeth, kiss your own lips in the mirror and say: "I love you, Ken." (Insert your own name) Don't forget to wipe that spit now dripping down the glass.
4. Help a neighbor with a chore-- she'll love you for it. Just make sure it doesn't take up too much of your precious free time!
5. Once your teeth are whiter, practice smiling while on the toilet. Smiling is a good habit to cultivate during all your precious free time.
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