My friends, I've been honest with you so far, haven't I?
If you want to eliminate those crappy critical voices in your head, otherwise known as mental do-do or cognitive ka-ka, you're going to need some tools.
Here are two:
1. Affirmations.
These are positive statements that negate negative beliefs. Here's how they work. Say you are a pint-sized loser, well you don't want to go around saying: "I am a pint-sized loser." Instead, you could say: "I am the president of France, and though I am short, I have a very beautiful wife!" Affirmations are all the rage. All the motivational speakers swear by them, though I don't recommend them myself for one simple reason: In all probability, you are not the president of France. That's why I recommend an alternative method....
2. Un-FFirmations.
These are negative statements that negate nothing. Plus, the beauty of these is that you will have no trouble believing in them! Here are some of my favorites:
I am stupid
I am lazy
I often feel like a fraud
I am selfish
I am greedy
I am fat, and I've hurt people that I love
I have bad breath on occasion, and when I do, people do not want to kiss me
I may have bad breath at this moment
So feel free to say these as much as you like. Just make sure that immediately afterward you say this phrase: "It don't matter!"
Doesn't that feel better?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
Ken
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Your Life Will Be Better Very Soon
Hi My Friends!
If you are interested in tickets to my Washington, DC show, here is the link: BUY TICKETS
What you'll be experiencing, at an incredible discount, is the Seven Openings, a system that will blow the wig off your head (if you're of the hairless variety). If you are fully loaded on top, this show will clear your sinuses.
It's that powerful!
Please come see me at the Goethe Institut- Mainstage this July.
If there's anything I know it's this: If Goethe knew me as an orator, he'd make a an exception in my case!
If you are interested in tickets to my Washington, DC show, here is the link: BUY TICKETS
What you'll be experiencing, at an incredible discount, is the Seven Openings, a system that will blow the wig off your head (if you're of the hairless variety). If you are fully loaded on top, this show will clear your sinuses.
It's that powerful!
Please come see me at the Goethe Institut- Mainstage this July.
A quote from Goethe:
"I can tell you, honest friend, what to believe: believe life; it teaches better than book or orator."
I'm pretty sure if Goethe knew me as an orator, he'd make an exception in my case!
Warmly,
Ken
Ken
If there's anything I know it's this: If Goethe knew me as an orator, he'd make a an exception in my case!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Do You Want to Improve Your Life, In The Flesh?
I'll be appearing live in Washington, DC this July. So if you want to experience the Seven Openings all at one time, I highly recommend you attend. My live program is called An Hour with Ken Johnson: The Secret of the Seven Openings.
Just look at the testimonials!
"Ken Johnson is more impressive than Tony Robbins" -Ken Johnson
Tickets don't go on sale for a couple of weeks, but here are the dates and times to put directly into your calendar, in the meantime. Remember: Opening #4 (Open a Window, it's Stuffy in Here) is all about taking action!
WHEN:
Saturday, July 9 @ noon
Wednesday, July 13 @ 10 pm
Saturday, July 16 @ 7:45 pm
Sunday, July 17 @ 2 pm
Wednesday, July 20 @ 8 pm
WHERE:
The Goethe Institute-Mainstage
812 7th Street, NW
Washington, DC 20001
(metro: red/green lines, Gallery Place)
WHY:
Because The Seven Openings will change your life forever--maybe.
Just look at the testimonials!
"Ken Johnson is more impressive than Tony Robbins" -Ken Johnson
Tickets don't go on sale for a couple of weeks, but here are the dates and times to put directly into your calendar, in the meantime. Remember: Opening #4 (Open a Window, it's Stuffy in Here) is all about taking action!
WHEN:
Saturday, July 9 @ noon
Wednesday, July 13 @ 10 pm
Saturday, July 16 @ 7:45 pm
Sunday, July 17 @ 2 pm
Wednesday, July 20 @ 8 pm
WHERE:
The Goethe Institute-Mainstage
812 7th Street, NW
Washington, DC 20001
(metro: red/green lines, Gallery Place)
WHY:
Because The Seven Openings will change your life forever--maybe.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Five Tips for Having More Love
1. Whiten your teeth and you'll have more friends. People like other people with whiter teeth.
2. Try loving yourself more than anyone else on the planet. One day, with any luck, you won't need another's company.
3. Every morning right after you brush your white teeth, kiss your own lips in the mirror and say: "I love you, Ken." (Insert your own name) Don't forget to wipe that spit now dripping down the glass.
4. Help a neighbor with a chore-- she'll love you for it. Just make sure it doesn't take up too much of your precious free time!
5. Once your teeth are whiter, practice smiling while on the toilet. Smiling is a good habit to cultivate during all your precious free time.
2. Try loving yourself more than anyone else on the planet. One day, with any luck, you won't need another's company.
3. Every morning right after you brush your white teeth, kiss your own lips in the mirror and say: "I love you, Ken." (Insert your own name) Don't forget to wipe that spit now dripping down the glass.
4. Help a neighbor with a chore-- she'll love you for it. Just make sure it doesn't take up too much of your precious free time!
5. Once your teeth are whiter, practice smiling while on the toilet. Smiling is a good habit to cultivate during all your precious free time.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Five Tips for Being a Better Husband
1. Look better. Women like men who are attractive, my friend. If you're not attractive, try one of those hair transplants, or maybe that operation where they wire your jaw.
2. Improve your vocabulary. Women like men who seem intelligent in public. It's time to use your toilet time more effectively. So put down the sports pages and pick up the dictionary!
3. Listen to your wife. As hard as it is, it'll bring you a happier home, and maybe more sex. Possibly.
4. Become more successful. Women like successful men. If you're a failure, you should probably sign up for my Be Successful, Seven Openings course. Otherwise, she's gonna leave you. She's gonna leave you. I know it!
5. Be the man she really wants you to be, even though you know you don't have it in you!
2. Improve your vocabulary. Women like men who seem intelligent in public. It's time to use your toilet time more effectively. So put down the sports pages and pick up the dictionary!
3. Listen to your wife. As hard as it is, it'll bring you a happier home, and maybe more sex. Possibly.
4. Become more successful. Women like successful men. If you're a failure, you should probably sign up for my Be Successful, Seven Openings course. Otherwise, she's gonna leave you. She's gonna leave you. I know it!
5. Be the man she really wants you to be, even though you know you don't have it in you!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Five Tips for Resolving Conflicts at Work
1. Be a shameless brown noser. Lots of people will hate you, sure, but the people who count will love you!
2. Offer some vending machine candy to your nemesis. For her, it'll be a peace offering. For you, it'll be a discrete way to poison her body, M&M by M&M!
3. Invite the whole office out for drinks, then apologize while you're wasted. This might be the only time you will ever feel compassion for these jerks!
4. While in the bar, make up a little ditty about your nemesis. Then, sing it loudly in her ear. This horrible woman will avoid you thereafter, fearing hearing loss.
5. Write nasty emails about this horrible woman, reciting every word out loud. Everyone, including this horrible woman, will think you're crazy. Maybe they won't mess with you next time!
2. Offer some vending machine candy to your nemesis. For her, it'll be a peace offering. For you, it'll be a discrete way to poison her body, M&M by M&M!
3. Invite the whole office out for drinks, then apologize while you're wasted. This might be the only time you will ever feel compassion for these jerks!
4. While in the bar, make up a little ditty about your nemesis. Then, sing it loudly in her ear. This horrible woman will avoid you thereafter, fearing hearing loss.
5. Write nasty emails about this horrible woman, reciting every word out loud. Everyone, including this horrible woman, will think you're crazy. Maybe they won't mess with you next time!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Enjoy Great Health!
I hope you've all enjoyed my posts on healthy living. I'm confident that you are all healthier because of reading my blog. If you're not, there's nothing more I can do for you. You might even be a lost cause.
Next week, we'll be starting a great discussion about relationships -- in the office, in the home, and even inside your own soft skin.
So have a great, healthy weekend and see you on Monday!!
Ken
Next week, we'll be starting a great discussion about relationships -- in the office, in the home, and even inside your own soft skin.
So have a great, healthy weekend and see you on Monday!!
Ken
Monday, April 4, 2011
Are Allergies Getting to You?
PROBLEM:
It's spring, my friends. This means you have birds and the bees...going at it. It also means, my nose is stuffed. Now, if you're like me, the beautiful flowers of the springtime bring with them some ugly, ugly mucous. To solve this problem, we have Claritin. But is there also a spiritual solution to this mucus?
SOLUTION:
Now, if you listen to other spiritual or motivational teachers, they're gonna tell you to "smell the roses." DON'T DO IT! You don't have listen to your motivational teacher, your guru, your clergy person, or even that psychiatrist giving you all of those drugs! Find your own answers, my friend! If they're nowhere to be found, just listen to your allergy-ridden body. It doesn't want anything to do with the roses.
TECHNIQUE:
In my System, THE SEVEN OPENINGS, Opening Number 4 says: "Open a Window, It's Stuffy in Here." What this means is: Don't take the teachings so seriously. In fact, try doing the exact opposite of what the teacher says. In this case, stay away flowers, keep the window closed-- and crank up the AC. That's right. Defy all teacher wisdom. Trust me: you'll breathe a whole lot easier.
It's spring, my friends. This means you have birds and the bees...going at it. It also means, my nose is stuffed. Now, if you're like me, the beautiful flowers of the springtime bring with them some ugly, ugly mucous. To solve this problem, we have Claritin. But is there also a spiritual solution to this mucus?
SOLUTION:
Now, if you listen to other spiritual or motivational teachers, they're gonna tell you to "smell the roses." DON'T DO IT! You don't have listen to your motivational teacher, your guru, your clergy person, or even that psychiatrist giving you all of those drugs! Find your own answers, my friend! If they're nowhere to be found, just listen to your allergy-ridden body. It doesn't want anything to do with the roses.
TECHNIQUE:
In my System, THE SEVEN OPENINGS, Opening Number 4 says: "Open a Window, It's Stuffy in Here." What this means is: Don't take the teachings so seriously. In fact, try doing the exact opposite of what the teacher says. In this case, stay away flowers, keep the window closed-- and crank up the AC. That's right. Defy all teacher wisdom. Trust me: you'll breathe a whole lot easier.
Friday, April 1, 2011
(Another) Top Five Health Tips
1. Eat more wheat germ -- the healthiest germ around!
2. If Bryer's chocolate ice cream makes you fat but you're passionate about it, keep eating: passion is healthier than skinny!
3. The future of the planet depends on the food choices you make; think of someone other than yourself for a change!
4. My daddy used to lock me in a closet and now I have asthma. Find out why your own life is a mess!
5. Use hand sanitzer to get rid of all germs that aren't wheat germs!
2. If Bryer's chocolate ice cream makes you fat but you're passionate about it, keep eating: passion is healthier than skinny!
3. The future of the planet depends on the food choices you make; think of someone other than yourself for a change!
4. My daddy used to lock me in a closet and now I have asthma. Find out why your own life is a mess!
5. Use hand sanitzer to get rid of all germs that aren't wheat germs!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Want More Energy?
PROBLEM:
You're tired. Oh Lord, you are dragging yourself through the day, aren't you? Maybe you'd like to do other things with your life, but you can't. You just don't have the pep.
SOLUTION:
You need to drink more coffee, my friend. If it's three cups a day, make it five. If it's five, you might need those legalized amphetamines--diet pills! You can still get diet pills, can't you? I can't touch them because of my rehab, but trust me, they do do the trick. Alternatively, some people advocate a clean body--detoxed-- so it runs on its own natural energy. I have not tried this myself, but I think there's some wisdom here.
TECHNIQUE:
If we look at the Seven Openings (as we should), we find ourselves at Opening Number 5: Stay Open. Stay Open means, simply, you're gonna find adversity on your path. The thing is, don't give up! If you want more stimulants, don't give up looking. If you want to give up stimulants--for instance, coffee, cocaine, and uppers-- then give 'em up! But don't give up the giving up, if you know what I mean. Don't give up the giving up! The light at the end of the tunnel, you see, is pure energy. Light IS energy. You'll get there, my friend, however you decide to arrive.
You're tired. Oh Lord, you are dragging yourself through the day, aren't you? Maybe you'd like to do other things with your life, but you can't. You just don't have the pep.
SOLUTION:
You need to drink more coffee, my friend. If it's three cups a day, make it five. If it's five, you might need those legalized amphetamines--diet pills! You can still get diet pills, can't you? I can't touch them because of my rehab, but trust me, they do do the trick. Alternatively, some people advocate a clean body--detoxed-- so it runs on its own natural energy. I have not tried this myself, but I think there's some wisdom here.
TECHNIQUE:
If we look at the Seven Openings (as we should), we find ourselves at Opening Number 5: Stay Open. Stay Open means, simply, you're gonna find adversity on your path. The thing is, don't give up! If you want more stimulants, don't give up looking. If you want to give up stimulants--for instance, coffee, cocaine, and uppers-- then give 'em up! But don't give up the giving up, if you know what I mean. Don't give up the giving up! The light at the end of the tunnel, you see, is pure energy. Light IS energy. You'll get there, my friend, however you decide to arrive.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Even Better Health Tips
1. Drink more liquids. This can include two beers after work!
2. Exercise prolongs your life. If you hate exercising, you're gonna die sooner. Accept this because acceptance gives a person peace. Who knows? Peace might just add some years to your foreshortened life!
3. Don't eat right before you go to bed. It's not healthy. Instead, wake up in the middle of the night and gorge yourself back to sleep!
4. You know those little devices that measure your steps? Get yourself one of those! And while you're at it, get me one too!
5. Allergies are the sign of a toxic liver. If afflicted, cut out those two beers after work. If that's your only evening beverage choice, you'll be dehydrated now. But you'll breathe easier!
2. Exercise prolongs your life. If you hate exercising, you're gonna die sooner. Accept this because acceptance gives a person peace. Who knows? Peace might just add some years to your foreshortened life!
3. Don't eat right before you go to bed. It's not healthy. Instead, wake up in the middle of the night and gorge yourself back to sleep!
4. You know those little devices that measure your steps? Get yourself one of those! And while you're at it, get me one too!
5. Allergies are the sign of a toxic liver. If afflicted, cut out those two beers after work. If that's your only evening beverage choice, you'll be dehydrated now. But you'll breathe easier!
Friday, March 25, 2011
ALL The Seven Openings
Here they all are, my friends. I'll be explaining them all on this blog, and applying them to real life situations. But so you have them in a nutshell!
Opening Number 1: Open Your Mind
Opening Number 2: Open Your Heart
Opening Number 3: Open Your Eyes
Opening Number 4: Open a Window, It's Stuffy in Here
Opening Number 5: Stay Open
Opening Number 6: Open Your Wallet
and
Opening Number 7: Open the Ding Dong Door
All best,
Ken
Opening Number 1: Open Your Mind
Opening Number 2: Open Your Heart
Opening Number 3: Open Your Eyes
Opening Number 4: Open a Window, It's Stuffy in Here
Opening Number 5: Stay Open
Opening Number 6: Open Your Wallet
and
Opening Number 7: Open the Ding Dong Door
All best,
Ken
How Can I Be Healthier?
Problem:
The planet, clearly, is sick. Revelations says it's about to blow. Until that happens though, you are still kicking, aren't you? The trouble is, you barely feel like it! There you are dragging yourself through your day, so sluggish, sleepy and full of gas. Is this the best you can do?
Solution:
It's time to clean up your act, so you can wake up, my friend. A good way to do that is by eating 50% fruits and vegetables. But what if you need some crunch while watching American Idol, waiting to see who's been voted off? You need crunch!! Will carrots satisfy? Of course not. But satisfaction is no longer important. Health is never fun, my friend. So get over yourself, and you'll feel better.
Technique:
If we turn to Opening Number Three (in the Seven Openings), Open Your Eyes, we find that opening our eyes means looking for opportunities all around us. Carrots, especially little baby ones, are one of the best opportunities nature (and genetic engineering) has to offer.
The planet, clearly, is sick. Revelations says it's about to blow. Until that happens though, you are still kicking, aren't you? The trouble is, you barely feel like it! There you are dragging yourself through your day, so sluggish, sleepy and full of gas. Is this the best you can do?
Solution:
It's time to clean up your act, so you can wake up, my friend. A good way to do that is by eating 50% fruits and vegetables. But what if you need some crunch while watching American Idol, waiting to see who's been voted off? You need crunch!! Will carrots satisfy? Of course not. But satisfaction is no longer important. Health is never fun, my friend. So get over yourself, and you'll feel better.
Technique:
If we turn to Opening Number Three (in the Seven Openings), Open Your Eyes, we find that opening our eyes means looking for opportunities all around us. Carrots, especially little baby ones, are one of the best opportunities nature (and genetic engineering) has to offer.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Should I Buy a Mac Or PC?
Problem: So many people don't know what they want in life. They get stuck: "Should I get a PC or a Mac? Do I want the one that gets infiltrated by filthy viruses? Or, should I deplete my kid's college fund so that my sweet pea will go into massive debt -- just like I had to do and most of my friends did too, and we didn't complain about it like these whiny kids of today -- just to buy the shiny new Apple?" These are difficult choices to make.
Solution: If you're having trouble making a decision, it's because you don't really know what you want. I refer you back to Opening Number 1 in my System The Seven Openings: Imagine. Imagine what you REALLY want in life.
Technique: Ask yourself: What is truly, deeply in my heart? What makes my heart sing? What is my divine calling in life? Is it a Mac or a PC? Only you know the answer to this question.
Solution: If you're having trouble making a decision, it's because you don't really know what you want. I refer you back to Opening Number 1 in my System The Seven Openings: Imagine. Imagine what you REALLY want in life.
Technique: Ask yourself: What is truly, deeply in my heart? What makes my heart sing? What is my divine calling in life? Is it a Mac or a PC? Only you know the answer to this question.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Do You Want More Intimacy with Your Partner?
PROBLEM: I gotta tell you, most couples I know are NOT gettin' it on like they should be. You can tell when you see one of them publicly calling attention to the other's lack of intelligence. We knew he was stupid; did you have to call him out like that? This ugliness comes from lack of conjugal connection between romantic partners.
SOLUTION: If you and your gal, or guy, or some other variation (I don't judge), aren't "doing it" like attractive monkeys, then it's time for you to invent a secret language between you. As an example, my wife Pat and I speak fake German to each other, and we have a beautiful intimacy.
TECHNIQUE: Take a regular ol' language, keep the sounds, but substitute your own nonsense words. Speak this language to each other in a baby voice, but also like you're the big, bad wolf. You'll be amazed how your love life will improve!
SOLUTION: If you and your gal, or guy, or some other variation (I don't judge), aren't "doing it" like attractive monkeys, then it's time for you to invent a secret language between you. As an example, my wife Pat and I speak fake German to each other, and we have a beautiful intimacy.
TECHNIQUE: Take a regular ol' language, keep the sounds, but substitute your own nonsense words. Speak this language to each other in a baby voice, but also like you're the big, bad wolf. You'll be amazed how your love life will improve!
Friday, March 4, 2011
How Am I Doing?
So how do you like my new blog so far?
If you're not convinced that The Seven Openings will change your life forever, well, there's nothing I can do for you. You might as well just abandon me right now (you wouldn't be the first).
But if you ARE convinced I can help you, just stick with me as I work out all my Betas and bugs. It'll be worth it. I guarantee it.
(Of course, I can't really guarantee it; then I might have a lawsuit on my hands.)
Lets put it this way: I can certainly give you my blogger's word that I will try my best to help you. So keep visiting! And drop me a line sometime. It won't kill you.
If you're not convinced that The Seven Openings will change your life forever, well, there's nothing I can do for you. You might as well just abandon me right now (you wouldn't be the first).
But if you ARE convinced I can help you, just stick with me as I work out all my Betas and bugs. It'll be worth it. I guarantee it.
(Of course, I can't really guarantee it; then I might have a lawsuit on my hands.)
Lets put it this way: I can certainly give you my blogger's word that I will try my best to help you. So keep visiting! And drop me a line sometime. It won't kill you.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I Can't Wait
I just can't wait to share my wisdom with you. So here is a sample of the kind of life help you will be getting through The Seven Openings.
Opening Number One is OPEN YOUR MIND.
By which I mean, imagine.
Imagine what you really want in life.
Most people don't know what they want in life so they are jealous. Admit it: you're jealous.
Who are you jealous of? You can tell me.
I mean, who would you like to see fall down a flight of sharp stairs, breaking every bone in their uppity, arrogant, ad-van-ta-geous body -- all because YOU want the life they have?
Who are you jealous of today?
Write it below.
Opening Number One is OPEN YOUR MIND.
By which I mean, imagine.
Imagine what you really want in life.
Most people don't know what they want in life so they are jealous. Admit it: you're jealous.
Who are you jealous of? You can tell me.
I mean, who would you like to see fall down a flight of sharp stairs, breaking every bone in their uppity, arrogant, ad-van-ta-geous body -- all because YOU want the life they have?
Who are you jealous of today?
Write it below.
Welcome to My Blog
Hi, I'm Ken Johnson. I'm happy to have you visit me here. I'll be blogging about a System I invented to Improve Your Life Forever. It's called The Seven Openings. Each opening brings you closer and closer to a magical doorway, and once you open that door, you will have exactly the life you want, in this lifetime. I hope you are getting what I'm saying here: You can have EXACTLY the life you want. If you follow my blog, I will show you how.
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